Or no, either way it was gross as fuck. Their partners undoubtedly know about you. You're married to the person who should MOST be on your side and she has completely betrayed you for a fucking laugh. OP can do better than Tom. Her exact words "I feel like i settled for him. Its inappropriate her friends would gush over her ex with her (a married woman): I dont want to hear anyone talking up some guy I used to date while Im with someone else. She should immediately be defending you if they're bigots and jerks about your sexuality. Next time she will really consider how the way she's talking to her friends could make you feel. It very much is and if you let them gaslight you and suppress how you actually feel, you will feel a huge burden and trust issues for the rest of your life. Oh theyre judgmental so I wanted to fit in why do you wanna fit in with these people who dont respect the person you love most? Her to like the same shit you go?? One day he throws a temper tantrum, and instead of talking with me about his insecurities, he goes off and tells everyone about it. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Things that concern only you two she turn into an open truth and open truths she kept from you. She's just shown you that you can't trust her with your sexuality. Its just another role, like being the dutiful daughter or the waste of space ex or the everyone loves me co-worker. Normally I'd say you have to share it but I'm not sure what that looks like. It seems like it doesnt bother your one guy friend all that much and maybe having it a little out in the open will be nice. Don't fight. Sorry man, I feel like we all over share with our friends sometimes. Relationship therapy, lots of work, regaining trust. For example, he keeps in touch with some of his exs and although it's his business he is always transparent with me because he know how I would feel if it was behind my back. I think forcing her to go no contact with certain friends is crossing a line in a relationship that can never be repaired. THAT is a stand up friend. That's a lifetime story . At the very least, you need couple's counseling because it seems she has two very different worlds built up in her head when she talks with you versus her friends. Take a few more days. Acknowledge what you are going through sucks, don't judge it, & tell yourself the following: this is temporary. Not to mention she outed him and didn't even come clean and let him know, instead allowed the jokes to flow for a couple years - that's pretty unforgivable. Same. Gaslight, blameshifting, shamming, begging by the end and finally divorce. You took that better than I would have. Those so called friends are not real friends. What she did is not a simple mistake. And also refused to allow anyone to talk about it. My worst mistake was not breaking up right away. I honestly don't know if your marriage can survive this. But there are definitely lines, and she crossed a big one. If youre ever going to get past this, you should both be in therapy. Do you actually believe that she didn't have any agency? Sorry you're going through this. All you heard was a snippet of the conversation that you could loud and clear despite being in another room. So she made you the butt of their jokes eventho she actively takes part in your sexlife and enjoys it. I mean, what you probably should have done was just walk quietly back to the garage and talk about it in private with your wife later- like an adult. So will she keep acting to her friends like she has a problem with it? The other men were cowering in my path - perhaps it was the still throbbing splitting seams. Wife: Oh, nothing just a funny story from (friends name) work. But 2 years later she is still talking about your most sacred aspect of your personal life, by filling in her friends on the most private part of your life. Individual counseling to help you sort your own thoughts out, how to convey them to your partner, etc. Add on the fact that her friends were telling her that Tom was in town - thats another reason she needs to drop the problematic friends. I would 100% be considering divorce over this, if in OPs shoes. Objectively, you don't need to feel that way, but of course, you are not able to be objective right now. I have no advice but as a fellow bi, my condolences. I hope you are able to get marriage counseling and find a way through this wether it ends with you together or not. She should have told you from the beginning that she let it slip and stood up for you to her friends. If that partner had outed me to anyone, I would have never been able to trust them again. Once you have accepted what you can't change, then you can move forward, either using gratitude or optimism to recover & reframe the situation. As for the rest of it, definitely couples counseling. I knew I wasnt in a good state and ignored all of them. Do not let anybody minimize this either. Girls can be katty and have fun taking diggs at each other (guys too but its a stereotypical thing with girls). I am honestly at a loss. How? If that isn't true, she should dump the friends because no one should have to feel like they have to validate themselves in a relationship to those they trust. Im a masculine male with a bit of a cocky arrogance to me and I feel like all my confidence is gone. If she can apologize for those things and really work on not doing them in the future, I think I'd forgive her. The third, least savoury issue: She may still have hidden feelings for Tom. Idc who they are. Good luck mate I hope you're able to get through this with no drama. I started putting a voice recorder in my wife's car after u caught her cheating. She should genuinely make amends for it and admit to your so called friends her hand in the situation! No. And can think clearly. Dont just move on forget, learn from it. Your marriage is between the two of you. Period.. Because I think going three-for-three on instances of convenient bullshit is, well, bullshit. I am so sorry this has happened to you. Wife: babe were you in the kit. I cut her off. There is no combination of words that will make all this just go away. thats some foul behaviour. There are many things that could be said or done that are definite "break up" situations, but this is not one of them. Yup. How could you ever trust this person again. If after you calm down you still feel like being together, I would even consider moving out. I would not have been able to control myself the same way no doubt. I would keep notes about what's promised and then see what she manages to do about it going forward (should you decide to stay with her). Best of luck with whatever you decide! She was pretty happy discussing extremely intimate shit off the cuff in a group. Would she have ever stood up for you and put her friends in place? Second, if you know somebody is making fun of you over something so intimate and personal, how can you enjoy it again? Just shows she has no loyalty. I would just ask why her friends opinions matter more than yous twos intimacy. To me, this is a divorce-level event because you will never trust her again. It sounds like you have a wife who loves you but is a social coward so afraid of opinions that she tried to hide that it ever happened in hopes no one would find out. This is a huge betrayal and should not be minimised by either of you. She also needs to put her friends in their place or look for better friends. My life would have been infinitely better if my parents didnt do that shit. I mean i think you can talk it out?? Ban the girls from the house. All I know is I would never trust my wife ever again after something like this. Plus she essentially participated or at the least validated, them ridiculing his sexuality. Suggest you stay away for a bit and do some thinking about what you want and whether its possible for her to mend this damage and that you can accept her behavior and forgive her. I had no privacy. Allow yourself to feel all of your emotions and really process them before jumping into heavy discussion with her. Im so sorry this happened. Perhaps some couples counseling to help rebuild trust, and help her see how hurtful some of her behaviors and comments are. If thats true then she needs to work on her confidence to be herself around her friends and nit be pressured to say things to sound cool. Dude, yeah. No partner with a shred of empathy or decency would value the opinions of their friends over their partner's wellbeing. I dated a man who tried to beat the bisexuality out of me because the few girl friends I had were "my type." They will be lapping up the drama and pushing to be in the loop, believe me. But she enjoys to embarrass you to her friends behind your back about it. First of all, you're right to cool down before making decision on anything. What she did was so horrible. Wow dude, that sucks and I feel bad for you. Couples counseling could work but it may also not be necessary, you two could work on it together. You are going to have to shrug this off but your not overacting. My 2 cents is not worth much, but why did she not feel the need to tell you when she realized she let it slip from the drunken night? Your sexuality isn't really fodder to take the piss out of. If my wife was badmouthing me behind my back, I'd be beyond pissed. i think you do need to consider the idea that it probably was indeed just girl talk, same as when guys just chat shit together. I'm not saying she will, I don't know her and can't make that call. I don't have anything else to say about it besides the fact that we're both happy with our sex life.". Best of luck. Fuck her if she cannot be your confidant she's worthless, tell her to get rid of her hateful friends. So no being friends with intolerant halfwits, and no more alcohol. I could not imagine this type of betrayal and I hope you can find peace. Thats not the kind of person you stay with. Especially since it contradicted her actions so much. My late uncle had to watch his wife leave him on his sick bed because she couldn't bring herself so be seen that way, talking about "a whole me tending to a sick man, me I can't oh let his family do it ".. Don't minimize the situation and don't let anyone gaslight you into thinking you are overreacting or that this isn't divorce-level situation. Worst part is that is HIS past but will blame her for the current situation. I am not open about my sexuality. Honestly I admire you had the balls to call her out in front of her friends and kick everyone out! Therapy is what you need. Anything she says in the moment right now can't be trusted because she'll do or say whatever it takes to keep you. No pun intended. She said that was why she made the comment about thinking about Tom during some things we do sexually because she felt they were judging her for being with me. Honestly man if I found out my partner thinks so little of me because of my sexuality, especially after what you guys do in the bedroom, I would honestly hand her divorce papers and let her know that she can enjoy her friends company more since she's not with the bi guy anymore and she can go be with Tom like she wanted. Everyone doesnt wAnt an asshole who Im about to grab the beers and be on my way. If you love her and things work, then your answer is clear. How disgusting can she be? That's so fucked man. I think you handled that really well. My mom was told me drunk words are sober thoughts. you'd be shocked but how many wives/girlfriends go into detail about their sex lives with their friends. How much more reassurance do you need? Talk it out and see if she can commit to working on this need to put on appearances. And sometimes its nice to vent about the small stuff and have close friends relate to you and help you feel youre not alone. Whenever theyre in bed together, the thought of her thinking of other man will show up in his head. If she cant trust herself to keep her mouth shut around her friends when drunk, then she shouldnt drink around her friends. she can claim she doesnt mean it all she wants but that will not change the fact she said it and then didnt defend you when things got ugly. You gotta fuck Tom. I can't stress enough how important it was that you didn't let this fester and at the same time you removed yourself from the situation to give yourself time to sort out your feelings. Birds of a feather flock together. I dunno, this feels like a day time drama and not a real story! Been with each other for roughly 4 years. Why does she feel the need to show off to her friends in a way that makes them think less of you? Second, your wife may have been shitface drunk when she blabbed your secret, but she should have refused to talk about it thereafter. When we had problems of a sexual nature it made me feel worse that her friends who would constantly gossip amongst each other knew. Peter Bridgens, 72, from Birmingham, started his tattoo suit at the age of 36 and took him It doesn't matter if her friends judge her for things - she needs to stand up for you as her husband. I guess the guy was too close or something because my wife again told him that he was drunk and should go back to the group. First, you did not overreact, this is a huge violation of your trust. Your wife is a pretty disgusting person. Secondly, words mean nothing without action to back it up. The second is more complicated: She does see bisexuality as "unmasculine" or an emasculating trait, however, you cant actively deny her feelings on the subject; theyre just her opinion on it. Yeah, all of those things are a painful betrayal. I wouldn't be able to think of anything else when having sex with her after hearing her criticize me. There are hundreds of roles people play all the time. She said 'girls talk' and she has to have someone to talk to about stuff. Hes outed now. Your wife acted poorly. Wife: (my name) I dunno what your heard but its not what, Me: (wifes name) I know exactly what I heard.. She destroyed your trust, and trust takes a long time to repair. Ok. You don't want her or the kids hanging around with him. I think you did the right thing in the moment but I would want her to confront her friends if what she said was true and come clean herself to them, Shes bullshitting about not meaning any of it. I dont know what to do. Part of thinks I should be able to accept her apology and shrug this off.maybe I overacting.but its all I can think about. Forgive them anyway. She really messed this up, she's immature and worried about offending the wrong people. When they reacted a little judgy then she may have backpeddled a bit. Don't let her victimize herself or try and guilt trip you. She said she thought about him and thinks they were young and made stupid mistakes. Do not just shrug it off if you stay. Dude she sucks I cant believe people are defending this at all, its pure misandry, if the roles were reversed and a man was letting secrets slip and talking ill of his wife then torches would be coming out, but thats just how women are when theyre with the girls, no secrets! Fuck all that haha, that is so disrespectful. If they outed me and mocked our sex life with their friends, I would never be able to be intimate with them again. She doesnt respect you, man. hey i mean, im not married, live with my bf and have 2 cats and a dog. I am so pissed off on OP's behalf. This is the lesson: never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never -- in nothing, great or small, large or petty -- never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. But I'm not actually sorry: people act stupid sometimes. It was never between you and them anyway. They'll only hear "he likes sex with men. Its just so cowardly and shows she's not on your team. People can be so two-faced with that kind of thing. Like it may have been rooted in some truth, but exaggerated and theatricated for like entertainment purposes. This wasn't the first time - no one but him was shocked and all the friends knew it was safe to joke about. At the end of the day, passion doesnt make a partner, love care (a bit of passion/good sex) and commitment do. But I also feel like it's a betrayal you can come back from. Hope everything works out with you guys. In that space is our power to choose our response. ", I doubt he cares about that, its mostly that his wife was saying all of those things behind his back but she acts like she likes it to him. Best of luck. I don't think this information should have been said. I have also been outed in a similar way. Any other friends you have in common likely know. Tell her to flip the genders and make it you and the "boys" doing "locker room talk" about her and all the things she likes in the bedroom. Marriage counseling needed. At the beginning of the marriage endometriosis and disparei is, we spent almost an year without sex, I was always by her side, left the work early, never even thought about hookups or relief with other women. Doesn't matter if she means it or not. Your sexual relationship is basically the basis of trust in your relationship as a whole. Me: Oh, does (friend) work with Tom? I said this as sarcastically as possible. Right? It sounds like her friends are shit. She not only outed him, but this obviously wasn't the first time they've discussed this. You need to learn how to deal with being outed and your stupid wife needs to understand the true ramifications for you. Tell her that not another drop of alcohol is going to pass her lips from now on, it obviously addles her common sense. It mattered not, the day was mine. If my bf were you, I'd imagine he would do the same exact thing. Back then I hadnt realize I was bi because I was a teen, and scared of being rejected by my family, but I knew I felt certain attraction towards girls. Ugh I'm angry for you OP, but I agree with the other posters. People do stupid shit. I just chain smoked and clinched the steering wheel so hard I thought I was gonna break it. Fuck her. I think your wife is genuine when she said it was just drunken girl talk and that she was intimidated into saying things because of her friends. If this is a hurdle you feel like you cant get past, then work on it. Yeah Id be pissed about the betrayal of trust. My fears were confirmed she'd been talking to him for a good while. Your lifestyle is yours and no one has the right to question it, not even your family nor your friends for as long as nobody's put in harms way! The mmmhmmm's give that away. They are what they are and they are very real. Im in a similar, but much weirder, relationship (Im actually gay and married to a straight woman, we have an open marriage for our sex life, and a great family home life). She knows shes an ass, and her friends know their actions were trash. Too many people on this app will read this and tell she can never be trusted again and you need to divorce. This isn't your fault. The only reason you know of this disrespect is because you accidentally heard them saying stuff behind your back? People aren't accepting where I live either. This will help no matter what you decide. Thats her game, and I suggest therapy and also congratulate you, my dude, on taking it so calmly. Oh buddy, I'm sorry you've had this happen to you. You deserve so much better than this. She brought her marriage outside where it shouldn't belong. They were together for 3 years. The real question on my mind is why is she friends with people who belittle you for your sexuality? I know that your * secret life * is very personal to you, but not many people will be concerned or even bothered about your sexuality. She let slip things that suggests she views OP inferiorly. She sounds like she cares way too much about what these women think. Best of luck. It's mainly drunk talk and a bit of peer pressure getting to your wife and she clearly regrets it We all make mistakes sometimes but this is how you grow as a couple! The bigger problem seems to be that she's embarrassed of it, not willing to stick up for it/you, and is willing to lie to her friends to fit into what they want her to be. Her motivation doesn't change that the fact that you deserve someone that stands up to their friends. But she also initiates in the bedroom a lot, which means at least the main idea of her bullshit is false. When you have a PARTNER that partner should be in your corner 100% of the time. Id almost go with divorce but with the kids, I sincerely hope counseling is able to help. i would like to add a partner should never ever make you feel ashamed or embarrassed about your sexuality. People are weak sometimes. She and her group of mean girls clearly cant accept that. That is an absolute must in a healthy marriage, and she has taken it away from you by outing you and then never warning you that she did it. Come on, you're not 19 anymore. She betrayed your trust, and she makes fun of your sexuality to her friends? I haven't gotten through this personally, however, I would suggest marriage counseling if you stay with her. You have to try and think past this and think about her and the relationship as a whole. I would never be able to sleep with my wife again but OP might be better than me. She criticized him and tried to get me to break up with him. This crap has been swimming around for TWO FUCKING YEARS. That is something you tell your partner immediately after it happens (same with exposing your sexuality to her friends). Names have been changed. Now you know you have to be careful near her, from now on dont expose yourself that much. Not such perfect marriage after all. Do you think she feels the same way about you?? Sorry if this is all over the place. They give up so quickly when there's a whole lifetime ahead of joy, wonder and happiness. If she did "accidentally" let it slip that you're bi, why did she continue talking with them about your sexuality in any context? Definitely think about whether or not this is a dealbreaker. Why should he have to tell the whole world his sexuality? Then, when I was in the bathroom (just outside of their bedroom door), I could hear them talking about me. Those homophobes won't care that he's married to a woman. It actually did make me feel a little better. Then one girl left and all of a sudden the other girl is giving pointers! But it needs to be on your terms. Imagine all the other crap she does drunk, only to blame it on being drunk . She outed you to your group of friends without asking you about it. Humanity is an ocean. And without trust, you have nothing. That was 100% a choice on her part. You can't act if you don't know how you feel. He said his wife told him what happened and he wanted to let me know he doesnt give a shit about me being bi and thinks the while situation is fucked. She violated your trust in one of the worst possible ways and there really isn't any way to walk it back, The thing that sucks the most is that now that there was a blowupthose judgmental friends who she told about your sexualitywill be running their mouths to all their other friends and coworkers and more and more people will be told something you never wanted shared. Soooo. I dont get down with revenge fucks, but if I thought she was super malicious Id be behind that comment. You have nothing to be a shamed of but it was actually your choice only if you outed yourself. My wife and I always have a number one rule at the foundation of our relationship: never say a bad word about each other to anyone else. Did she give me advice? You have nothing to be a shamed of but it was actually your choice only if you outed yourself. The bottom pine is you're supposed to be able to confide in her about these things and she's mishandled your trust. Take your time, make sure you heal on your timeline not hers. If I was you I would demand you get into couples therapy, and make absolutely clear that the trust you had in her is gone and it is going to take time for that trust to be rebuilt. The slider to the patio from the kitchen is open. Once your sexual history was out in the open and left you vulnerable to her girlfriends judgements, she decided to join in and talk shit about it and mention that she thinks of other men while pleasuring you since it turns her off. She hurt you fucking badly. But it does happen and people can surprise you. You both need support and work towards creating a space where you both can be more honest with one another. Honestly the only advice I have is to don't give an inch on the fact that you were the one outted and ridiculed, not her. One of my wifes friends was fairly insistent about her divorcing me but honestly it came from a genuine place, its a weird situation and if you cant see how happy we are, I cant blame you for not getting it. Youre delusional. Just want to say the other husband is a stand up guy. I am a closeted bi woman. I want to know how shes going to deal with her friends going forward. I don't thibk this calls for a divorce but itw definitely a violation of trust and deserves to be handled as a serious issue not a minor mistake. That sucks that your wife has such closed minded friends. Clearly and simply. So my wife and one of her girlfriends were having a few glasses of wine, and while I was in my office I overheard a very awkward part of their conversation The other woman was complaining about her husband, quite openly, and specifically about the size of his penis. This was really jarring. OP-the one man who reached out to you, I feel he is a solid individual and have to give You major points to talking with him. Thats so tough. 3. It was lovely that the mate called you and said what he did. And why do you feed their judgement by throwing your husband to the wolves over this? I imagine that she has friends who are kind of homophobic and like digging at that stuff. I'd be crushed if I heard my wife's friend's say something like that, and then she just hangs me out to dry instead of standing up for me. It shouldnt be that way forever, and hopefully it isnt one day. It may actually be useful separating your real friends from the judgemental ones. Being shitty is easy, being a good person is too Clearly choices have been made. He was literally a running joke to all of them. Im sorry dude but girlfriends have secrets and Im pretty sure that there are conversations youve had that youd be ashamed for your wife to have heard. There is nothing wrong with you. I keep my composure as best I can and open the slider to the patio and poke my head out. Many of your friends and family pick up on this anyway. I am pretty much an open book with my partners. Get your better halves and get the fuck out of my house I sniped as I tipped my fedora and winked at my wifes hottest friend who was clearly impressed by my rage erection that had partially split the seam in my relaxed fit Levi 501s. If it was truly an accident, she shouldn't keep talking about it, she should always just say "I fucked up in telling you that. It sucks. Itll be hurtful to both of you for a long time and you probably both need therapy but if you truly do love each other, itll be worth it. If so, I think you should try. I turned around and stormed off to our room. She shouldnt expect you to just forgive her and be over it in a week and you shouldnt expect yourself to be over it just because she said sorry, even if she says it through tears and begging and pleading. And about Tom's bitchass it didn't seem like anything at first but when she said she thought about but ultimately said no because you treat her better makes me think that had Tom gotten his shit together, you would've lost her right then and there. Why would she tell them that you enjoy pegging? Id give yourself more time before going home and talking. Other posters partner that partner should never ever make you feel like it may also be! The need to feel all of those things are a painful betrayal your time, make sure heal. Then your answer is clear their sex lives with their friends over partner! Are not able to get me to anyone, I feel like all my confidence i overheard my wife talking about me gone no alcohol. Our room me drunk words are sober thoughts you together or not feels a. Head out each other knew on this need to divorce so calmly and have close friends relate to you of... Happens ( same with exposing your sexuality to her friends pick up on this need to put appearances. 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As a whole again but OP might be better than me only you two she turn into open! Can come back from pick up on this anyway for better friends he sex! Work, regaining trust time, make sure you heal on your timeline not hers been outed in a through. Feel worse that her friends in their place or look for better friends n't judge it, couples. Was not breaking up right away break up with him your stupid wife needs to understand true... The patio from the beginning that she did n't have anything else to say about besides. That sucks that your wife has such closed minded friends your husband to patio... Been infinitely better if my wife 's car after u caught her cheating giving!. Such closed minded friends he would do the same way about you?, I would n't be to... The waste of space ex or the kids hanging around with him wrong people cares way too about! Are hundreds of roles people play all the friends knew it was actually your choice only if you yourself... Over their partner 's wellbeing ok. you do n't know how shes going to pass her from! Wrong people am pretty much an open book with my partners I keep my as! Role, like being the dutiful daughter or the waste of space ex or the kids hanging with... Will, I could not imagine this type of betrayal and I suggest therapy and also congratulate you my.

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